Sarcastic Swan
by LoveIsLikeWar
Summary: A very successful but foul-mouthed Bella goes to Vegas for a much needed vacation. But is having Bella Swan in Vegas a really good combination? I mean... what could happen in Vegas?
1. Chapter 1

**Heya :) I do NOT own Twilight at all. **

**Pictures for this story is polyvore and the link is on my profile.**

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><p>Typical people...Never saying what's on their mind. Damn them for the rest of the life. I pity them. But I on the other hand enjoy telling people what I think. It brings me great joy and satisfaction. People can describe me as cold-hearted, a bitch, and SOOOO much more, but I don't give shit. Somebody actually just called me a bitch when I told them off for stepping on my BRAND NEW Toms. Yeah baby I got 'em. And I'm rocking these babies with my orange shorts and black long-sleeved wolf shirt.<p>

Oh damn, I lost ya'll. My name is Isabella Swan. Only my friends call me Bella so I'm called Isabella a lot much to my dismay. I'm proud to say I'm a midget with size 5 1/2 feet.

Not trying to sound self-centered but I think that I have the best hair ever. It's really dark brown but looks almost black and stops a little below my shoulders. Like I mentioned earlier, I like to be blunt. I'm sarcastic, sexy, smart, sexy, sporty, sexy, a shopaholic, and I'm also SEXY.

Running my hands through my silky hair, kinda getting distracted by it's silkness, by the way, Best three hundred dollars I ever spent. Jumping my short ass into my 2011 GMC Terrain, I took off to Mickie Dees. You know...cause small girls eat too..Am I right or what? After getting my Big Mac Combo and a Fish Filet Combo, I drove on home to my secluded home. In the middle of Freddie and Jason are my neighbors and let me tell you those two are so funny. Especially on Friday the 13th...Okay so I'm lying, I live in this totally awesome quiet neighborhood.

Ever since I was a teeny weeny baby, I've always wanted to live somewhere like this. And now I have it. Right here in the palm of my hands. All big and brown and shit. Looking like it came straight off from MTV cribs.

Grabbing my bag of goods, I exit my truck and enter La Casa de Bella or however you say. I'm part Italian, not Spanish so don't judge me. Throwing my over-the-shouldered purse on the coffee table, I plopped my ass on the couch behind me and propped my feet up on said table.

Food long devoured and gone I grew bored, and surprisingly the television is helping me either. After some hard thinking and etcedera etcedera, I finally came to a decision. I'm going to Las Vegas Baby! Besides, I need a good vacation from good old Seattle.

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**The next chapter should be up in a couple of days or so.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Heya :) I do NOT own Twilight at all.**

**Pictures for this story is polyvore and the link is on my profile.**

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><p>"Me no speak Espanol. I Talk in English!" Rubbing my forehead I huff out the puff of air that was sitting in my cheeks since like forever.<p>

"Look lady all I want is some pizza, and you Mexicans know how to make that good Mexican pizza! You know what? Just forget it."

Throwing my phone on the bed in utter frustration I stomp down the shiny hardwood stairs into the kitchen for a drink of water. Just as I was about to pour the water into my mouth….

Some _**"BIACH"**_ freaking banged on my door like the damn cops. Better not be the cops since I didn't do anything wrong yet.

Yanking the door open all I could process, form, and say was "Who The _**FUCK**_ Do You Think You Are!"

"Hiya my names Alice and I know we're going to be the _best_ of buddies." Well… Not trying to sound like a lesbian or something but she did look kind of cute. About an inch and a half taller the me with black spiky hair. Nice green eyes and a –

"Why are you in pajamas _Alice_?"

Just because I thought she was cute doesn't mean I'm happier. Just saying. "Why are your suitcases- Did you think you could stay with me or something? Because one I don't know you and-"

"My credit card was declined and they kicked me out of my room and not trying to sound like a freak but I saw your face in my dreams last night. HEY, don't look at me like that I'm serious! So I found out who you were and came here." After she was through with her rant ,she looked at me like I was suppose to soften up to her or something.

"I suppose so, but you do owe me a pair of pajamas for making me spill water on myself."

"No problem"

Rolling my eyes I left her in the foyer and took a seat on the living room couch. "You can sleep on the couch since there only one bed and we're going clubbing tonight. So find something clubby to wear."

"You know you give off the impression of a bitch but once someone gets to know you-" Let me stop her right there.

"Let me stop you right there and say you DON'T know me. Now continue" With a wave from my hand she moved on.

"Anyways just to let you know you should watch the drinks tonight. Something will happen if you go over your limit." She stated looking at me with an arch between her eyebrows like she was actually worried about me. "I'm originally from Biloxi, Mississippi." She stated grabbing a water from the refrigerator before joining me on the couch.

I raise my arched eyebrow at her. Was she serious right now? Oh she is… great just what I need. Confession time.

"I was a trouble teen as most would say. But really I was abused physically and mentally at home. No one knew because my parents were considered the towns most cherised couple or whatever, and also because I never told anyone. I tried my best to make good grades and get a full scholarship to USM and I did." Laughing through her tears she continued. "I'm became a known fashion designer. I also help make designs for Gucci, Chanel and labels like that. My parents were so proud of my career choice. Not me, but my career choice. I just didn't know how to deal with them any more so I just started shopping a lot. Which caused me to be sooo much in debt but I just didn't care, and here I am now."

"Damn my allergies are messing me up right now," I choked out snatched a Kleenex out the box off of the table.

Laughing loudly she caught my shit," You're a softie just admit it."

"Well first of all my names Isabella but call me Bella or Bells. I'm originally from a small town called Forks and I now live in Seattle. I'm the Chief Executive Book Editor for Volturi Inc. My mom left me and my dad when I was three. I haven't seen nor have I spoken to her since. I literally hate her. For leaving her child and my dad. He was so heartbroken and …and I hated that for him. I had to learn about boys, periods, and sex all on my own! I just wanted the best for me and my daddy." I whispered as a quickly wiped a tear from my eye.

"And I did do the best for me and my dad. I got a full scholarship to NYU to study in Literature. I got two jobs one as a Waitress and the other as a Bartender. I got a lot of money from being a bartender, but I sent all those checks to my dad and since I still stayed in the dorms on campus I just used that money for me to get something to eat and for clothes. One day I got off late from work and I was attacked in an alleyway. I was raped and beaten and I was so traumatized after that. I thought that I wouldn't be able to go on anymore, but somehow I made it. I graduated as Valedictorian and I already had job offers come to me. But I chose Volturi Inc. because it was closer to home. Six months at the job and I was already promoted to being Chief Executive. My dad was so proud of me that he drove down as soon as I called and took me to the most expensive restaurant in town even though he knew he couldn't afford it. I bought my dad a new house, a truck and a new fishing boat. That was the first time I've seen my dad cry and that I actually felt like I help him with something." I promised myself that I would never EVER let someone bring me down. I guess you could say that's why I'm bitch." I concluded wiping my tears as I watched Alice dry her own.

"You know what? We need a G.N.O and I know just the place to go." She deviously stated. Oh?

"Bella are you sure this dress is… I don't know_ appropriate_?" She snapped trying to pull the dress lower than it already was. It wasn't _that _short.

I slapped her hand away and started trying to smooth it down. "Yes I'm positive. If you can feel a tiny bit of a breeze than your good to go!" Running my hand through my crinkled curled one more time I grabbed my clutch off the bench and turned towards her. "Now let's go in. We've been standing here for five minutes now and you're trying to make yourself look _appropriate_." I spat walking up past the long line of bodies.

"Bella we can't just walk up here like this! We have to wait in line."She tried to reason.

"Aren't you a top fashion designer or something like that? Do you actually wait in line?" Like really?

"Bella, I …you know…Ineverwentclubbing." She mumbled. Time stood still. Like literally.

"Um.. say what?" Just to make sure.

"I've never really been clubbing before. This is my first time." She huffed and stamped her foot.

"You're the one who recommended even coming here in the first place."

"I know I know I didn't think you'd actually come. I mean cant we just sit at the hotel and watch movies in our sweats?" …..is she _forreaaallz_?

"No. Now let's go drink and find us somebody to sex it with!" I yelled pumping my fist.

"If you're sure Bells, but remember watch your limit."She chastised.

"Mhm.. sure." I mumbled dragging her to the bar.

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><p><strong>Reviews are Welcomed :)<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Heya :) I do NOT own Twilight at all.**

**Pictures for this story is polyvore and the link is on my profile.**

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><p>"I knew she was the one when I saw her walk in that club last night. I just…I just had this feeling that I can't explain." Hmmmm.. Alice's voice is so sexy right now but I swear she sounds like a dude. It may sound sexy but she needs to shut the <strong>FUCK <strong>up. Like seriously she must not know how much I drank last night. That bitch should have told me to stop drinking. Fucking bitch ass traitor.

"Alice shut your fucking mouth close." I mumbled into my pillow.

"Hey mom she's waking up I'll call you later okay? Love you" I know I told her to- wait mom? I thought she didn't talk to her mom anymore. As soon as I realized this I popped up on my elbows and looked at her … no _him_.

_ Definitely_ a him. Six pack, sack in the pack and all. Those eyes are so..Green.

I swear that my fucking babies are going to have those eyes. "Hello there Mrs. Cullen how are you feeling?" Mr. _I-got-some-pretty-damn-sexy green eyes_ said, with the most crooked but sexiest smile ever. It's like one side is up and the other is like…twitched.

"Well Mr. _I-got-some-pretty-damn-sexy-green eye_s, "His eyes lightened up in amusement at the name "I'm feeling very satisfied right now thank you for asking but I also have the worst hangover right now. Look I have a friend waiting for me at my Hotel so I have to go back to her because I know she's worried and all. I'm sure last night was great or whatever. You know eye rolling, toe curling and all that. Wait Mrs. Cullen? The **fuck** you talking 'bout Willis?"

Mrs. Cullen. Mister has me mixed up. I know he didn't make me have a three-some with him last night. Nu-uh I don't do that. That's just wrong on so many levels.

All happiness and smiles … oh that smile, was washed from his face. "You don't remember our wedding?"

I just stared at him. That's all I could do was stare. Sitting here and starring at him waiting for the punch line. "You're serious? Well let me get dressed so we can head down to the court house and get an annulment before they close. " No fucking way was my white ass going to stay married to the sexy beast. No sir I will not.

Wrapping the silky sheet around my naked body I stood from the bed ready to search for my clothes when he pounced. He fucking pounced on my ass and my ass landed right back where it started.

_On the damn bed._

He straddled my waist and held my arms above my head. The fuck? I know I shouldn't be but I'm not going to complain not one bit. Just take me now! Do it! I surrender! Oh shit? Role-play!

"No Bella I'm not going to do it." So no role-playing? I wanted to wear that new plaid skirt i just got. Ah damn is he talking about going to the courthouse? Why the** fuck** not? "Somehow I just know that you're the one for me. I don't know how but it feels like I've known you forever. I felt your presence before I saw you. It was like a tingling in my body. Like right now when I touch you, do you feel it?" He questioned as he ran a finger down my cheek bone and across my neck.

To be honest I did feel it and that terrifies me. "Please," he pleaded rubbing his nose across my face, "Give me a year. Just a year to show you that we can work and if you want to leave then you can."

"I don't even know your name. You know nothing about me and I don't know anything about you." I argued.

"Your name is Bella Swan short for Isabella Swan. You're 20 years old and you're from Forks, Washington but now you live in Seattle. You're Chief Executive Editor at Volturi Inc. and you're here for vacation." He explained and never looking away from my eyes. "My name is Edward Cullen I'm 25 years old and I'm from Chicago. I live in Seattle too and I'm CEO of Cullen Auto's. I'm here for vacation too."

"Now you know as much about me as I know you. Please," he whispered leaning closer to my face. Our lips only a peck apart. His dark green eyes dazzling me trapping me into some sort of trance. "Give me a chance."

All of a sudden I was sitting in a dark room with a devil Bella Swan and an Angelic Bella Swan on two separate T'V monitors in front of me.

"_Yeah Bella." _Devil me said. "_Look at him. He's desperate. Apparently he holds some kind of feelings for you. Think of the good you can get from this. He's CEO of CULLEN AUTO'S. Isn't that where you got your car?"_

I nodded my head looking her in the eyes with my eyebrow rose. "Your point is?"

"_Good sex, money" _

"I have plenty of that, now continue." I interrupted.

"_Bella he's a nice young man." Angel me started. "He __**DOES**__ love you but he just doesn't want to scare you. After everything you've been through you deserve this. You deserve this type of happiness. Even though this is the wrong situation for it to happen in, you two were bound to meet sometime. It's called __**fate**__ Bella." She whispered to me at the end. _

All of a sudden I was back to reality, except Edward wasn't straddling me again. I heard movement from the living room and … a zipper? Is he leaving? Bitch nawl!

Wrapping the sheet around my body for the second time today I ran out into the room and saw him packing with tears on his face. When he looked up at me, it pained me to see how hurt he was.

How can he make me feel this way? It's not natural for me. "What are you doing?" I asked. I didn't even get to answer him. He just left me. Fucking quitter-ma-jitter.

"I'm packing my stuff. You don't want me here so I won't-" he started but I interrupted by tackling him to the couch. I wrapped my arms around his neck and lowered my lips on his. The shock must have worn off because he finally wrapped his arms around me and kissed me back.

Leaning back I looked him in his eyes. Maybe it was true when people say that you can see everything in someone's eyes. I tried to show him how sincere i was when I told him this. " I don't know what you're doing to me. I've never felt like this before. We don't know each other beside the basic facts. I should just let you go but I can't, and I'm not." I said as I saw the hurt look return but quickly went back to hope and something else.

Dammit this man is fucking up my allergies. Shit, I thought as I quickly tried to wipe away the tears. My arms tightened around his neck as I placed my head in the crook of his neck. "Don't leave me."

"I don't know what I'm feeling either, but I know I wouldn't leave you Bella." He muttered kissing me again. He ran his tongue across my lips seeking entrance so I opened my lips. As soon as his tongue entered mine things got rough.

My hands went to his hair and I started pulling. I could feel his erection under me from the limited amount of clothing we have on. I ground my center down onto him and moaned at the pleasure. Just as I was about to get it on with Edward I saw my Elmo vibrating on the kitchen table. I just stared at it for a total of 15 seconds when Edward looked behind me to see what I was looking at. I shrugged my shoulders at it and went back to start kissing_ my_ sexy beast when I heard her. That freaking pixie.

"BELLLLAAAA THIS FUCKING RAPIST GOT ME _DRUNK_ AND TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME. HE-HE RAPED ME AND AND HE...HE DID THE BRITTANY SPEARS AND FUCKING MARRIED ME!"Cue the sobs "OH BELLLA HELP ME. OH GOD WHAT IF I HAVE A RAPIST BABY. Speaking of…. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? Love Alice." I just gaped at it. The fuck?

Rapist Baby? I looked at my naked body wrapped in a sheet and looked at Edward who is only in boxers. Then I looked around at the damage in the room. Broken lamp, bar stools on the floor, pictures on the floor. Dammit, I can't remember having rough sex really?

"Did we use condoms?" As soon as I said condoms his eyes snapped to mine and widened.

_Two rapist babies Alice, two rapist babies._

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	4. Chapter 4

**Heya :) I do NOT own Twilight at all.**

**Pictures for this story is polyvore and the link is on my profile.**

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><p>I screamed out a sob as I laid my head down on the toilet. "It's his entire fault! He just wanted to knock me up and now look at me! I mean I'm getting my favorite sweatpants all sweaty." I sobbed.<p>

"SHUT UP BELLA," Pixie yelled from the guest bathroom. "THAT RAPIST KNOCKED ME UP TOO. I told them to divorce us or something. Why don't they listen?" She went on.

"Alice I'm not divorcing Edward, we went over this now." I sighed.

It's been three weeks since we left Sin City and returned home and things with Edward and I has been going great. He decided to move in with me since he lived in a condo downtown with Jasper, whose Alice's _Rapist._ He's actually a sweet and charming guy but she just doesn't want to admit it to him.

A week afte_r _we got home we, as in Alice and I, have discovered that we were in fact…knocked the fuck up. Sexy beat was so happy that he cried and spun me around..In my front fucking yard where everybody can see me. But this morning sickness began to start killing me and I made sure that he knew it to.

He thought that just because he was at work that I couldn't call him and complain, but I do call him.** All. The. Fucking. Time.** I call him so much that his secretary Rosalie is one of my new besties.

I thought that I was a bitch by myself, add Me and Alice together with these damn_ hormones_ and the term bitch becomes an understandment.

"Bellllaaaaa make it stop," She whined through the wall. Fucking whiner.

I got my big ass up and stalked to the sink. I looked in the mirror and looked at myself in the mirror wandering how I got this far in life. I'm a successful individual, I'm married, and having expecting a baby two weeks after said marriage.

Sighing I shook my head to clear my thoughts and began to brush this vile aftertaste out of my mouth. Exiting my bedroom and walking out into the hall, I yelled at Alice to suck it up and to come downstairs. As soon as my foot touched the first step I heard the keys in the front door. A grin instantly covered my face as I raced down the rest of the stairs and jumped into the arms of my … husband.

He caught me mid-air, chuckled. and pecked my lips ," I missed you too , love" he said and put me down. "Did you run down the stairs again Bella?" He questioned as he put his briefcase down by the door.

"Who me? No way I would never harm this baby in any shape or form." I said nodding my head at the end.

"Bella," He started to scold me. It's the same thing every time I do something wrong in his head. Blah blah blah, it's just irritating me now. "And besides I don't want our first born to get hurt nor do I want you hurt either so please take it easy." He finished.

"If I were you Eddie-Boy," He scowled at the nicknamed but nodded his head towards Alice as a greeting "I would ask her what you said because I doubt she even listened." She concluded plopping her big ass on my sofa.

"Shut up that's why you're having a rapist's baby!" I yelled throwing one of the couch pillows at her. I laid my head in the crook of Edwards neck while trying to sniff these big ass tears back in.

He pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms around my waist rocking me back and forth like I'm a fucking child or something. "Where the hell is Jasper anyway Alice?"

That is a good question. Where the fuck is Jasper? "Where the hell is my Elmo?" I asked when I realized it wasn't in my pocket. "Edward can you call my Elmo?" I asked while looking around the area behind his head.

"Why don't you just go check in the room?" Did he just.. I know he did NOT just tell me.

"Whatcha say?" I asked as I leaned my head back and gave him the bitch brow.

I thought he was going to give in but no. This motherfucker decides to get that damn stick stuck up his ass today. "Get up off your ass and go look for it your own self."

I looked at Alice and Alice looked at me with wide eyes then we both looked at Edward.

"You dick sucking son of a bitch." I said as I shoved his ass into the back of the couch as I stood up from the couch. I know I'm acting like a child but still, wasn't he the one who wanted to _take it easy_? I stomped up the stairs into the bedroom when I heard his footsteps try to chase after me. As soon as I stepped into the room I slammed the door into the frame and locked the door. "Whose your bitch now **BIATCH**?" I internally screamed.

I let out a loud gasp as I saw Elmo sitting in the middle of the bed. "Elmo" I squeaked as soon as Edward started trying to open the door. I turned my head in his direction as if I expected him to start talking to me or something.

"Bella baby I didn't mean it. I was having a stressful day at work."

"And Last night I let Alice lick my ass, yeah fucking right you son of a bitch." I screamed.

"HEY DON'T BRING ME INTO THAT SHIT BELLA!" That ass-licker screamed from downstairs or wherever she at.

"Bella baby let me in please?" He pleaded. And cue the tears people. I'm such a cry baby now days. People won't take me seriously now!

I ran over to unlock the door and ran and jumped back on the bed. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my head on it while looking out the balcony.

I heard Edward unlock the door and close it before taking hesitant but quiet steps toward me. He picked up my body set me in his lap as if I weighed nothing and as soon as I was situated I started sobbing into his chest.

"I'm so so-sorry that I'm being so mean to you. I d-didn't mean it. Baby I'm so sorry I promise I won't do it again." Okay so I lied, I'm pretty sure I will do it again so what?

"Shh love. It's not your fault. I know it was you're hormones baby but that's okay you know why?" I shook my head I as I rested it in the crook of his neck. Sexy beast smells so good.

"It's because you're carrying another life inside of you that both of us created together Bella. A little tantrum isn't going to hurt my feelings except the pain I felt for hurting you babe. You can throw plates and remotes at my head but in the end it would all be worth it, because I get to be able to spend the rest of my life with my little boy or girl with the woman I love." I gasped in looked into his eyes.

"You love me?" I whispered.

"Yes, Bella. I will always love you. Forever and a lifetime love." He said kissing me on the forehead.

"I love you too Edward" I muttered before he attacked me with his lips.

"Say it again." He demanded as he turned my body so that I was straddling him.

"I love you. I love my husband Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. Even if his mother gave him two middle names and it takes me five seconds to say it. I love you , I love you, I love you." I said with a peck on the lips every time I said it.

He rolled us over so that I was flat on my back. "Oh yeah?" He asked me before removing my shirt off of my body.

"Oh yes Sir indeed Mr. Cullen," I said in a voice the screamed sex.

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	5. Authors Note Please Read

**Immmm Back !**

Sorry I was gone but I had school and my grades were dropping fast ! Im back now and I promise to try and finish this story for you guys and create the pictures for it. _** Please check out the pictures for the story as you read along.**_ Thank you all for the re views I have keep them coming.

Sincerely ,

Me XOXO

**P.S : If you have any suggestion for the story, feel free to PM me or leave me a review anytime :) . Well PM please cause I would like for it to be a surprise and for it to be unexpected.**


	6. Chapter 5

**Remember to check out my polyvore for outfits :)**

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><p><strong>*3 Months Later*<strong>

"Why the fuck are you staring at me? Are you hungry? Cause I meeaaann you just ate…" I said eyeing my baby mama whose currently stretched out on my couch.

Pixie lifted her head off the pillow and glared at me, " Listen here you fat bitch , at least my stomach just looks like I got full from eating and not having twins!"

"Dumb ass I am having twins if you did not know, WHICH you do know." I replied.

"Go suck something Bella, just go." She muttered and switched on the tv.

I hate that damn thing with everything in me. Edward decided that I needed to upgrade from my 32" flat screen to this 64" HD flat screen. I mean what does HD even mean? Huge Device?

Speaking of Edward, I wonder when he will be home cause Alice in Motherland is making me want some ice cream. Cue the pout, which earned a look from Alice in Motherland herself.

This house is just so damn boring. Why you ask? Because my husband whom I have been married to for a good five months, decided that Alice and I, were carrying precious cargo and that we should take it easy. Which means *Inner Bella clears throat* : No driving, no walking outside, no swimming except if we're taking a bath, no running, no going to get the mail, and no picking up heavy items.

The hell with that! I need to get out of this damn house. You wanna know the bad the thing about it? Jasper is letting him do this! Pussy ass.

"MARY!"

"Bitch what? I'm sick of you yelling at me today! First, you yelled at me when I was pissing on the toilet, then you scared the shit out of me when I was making me some toast. So what Bella dearest? WHAT do you want?" she ranted.

Pushing myself off the couch I replied "Go put on some clothes, we're going out."

Alice's eyes immediately got large, "But what about Jasp-"

"Forget about them! We're grown ass women, who are they to tell us what we can and cannot do. So for the last time, Get Dressed before I leave you here." I interrupted already halfway up the stairs.

Once I reached my closet, I immediately grabbed my navy and white knitted sweater and a long-sleeved camisole to go underneath it. Reaching up on my tip toes, I snatched a bag from the top shelf which I knew contained my gray jeggings and new navy toms with a striped pattern in the back.

Bending down to put my shoes on, I spotted a silver ring in the corner of the room. Curious to what it was I walked over and realized it was the same ring I accused Alice of stealing three weeks ago. Oh well, I'm not apologizing.

I quickly wobbled to the bathroom and put my hair and a messy bun. Grabbing my phone, I threw it inside of my purse and headed back downstairs towards the garage. When I walked past the living room through the kitchen, I noticed that Alice still wasn't down yet, so I grabbed the keys to the truck and went and got situated.

Five minutes later, Mary Fucking Alice popped her ass in the passenger seat.

"You're late," I stated as I started back out towards the street. "We have a total of six hours to get to the mall and back before Edward gets home and notices that I left the house. Which means that we have ten minutes to get there, four hours to shop, an hour to eat, 10 minutes to come back home, and the rest we have to hide the goods. Let's do this."


End file.
